I am over halfway through my year as Miss Heart and I wanted to do something different. This past month has been one of some obstacles and growth. I think in the times that our faith is challenged, we experience a rawness, vulnerability, and intimacy with Christ.
This is true for me at least. It’s like everything is going right and I don’t lean on him nearly as much as I do when everything is going wrong. This past month has just been a reminder that I need him always – regardless of how good or bad my day is going – I am human. I wanted to share some of what I have been struggling with and learning.
First obstacle I wanted to “speak life” life to: Rejection
Growing up my dad always told me I was a people-pleaser, a peace-keeper, and wanted everyone to be happy and for everyone to like me. He reminded me there are incredible and great things that come from these traits, but sometimes I may struggle. The older you get the more you learn about yourself blah blah blah… but I did learn that these things are definitely a part of my personality.
One of the biggest challenges that stems from this trait is a feeling of rejection. Not in any victimizing way, but truly an overarching question I carry with me is, “Do they approve of me and like me?”
The feeling is horrible. You give and give, you smile, you try to have conversations, build the relationship, be honest, be present, be vulnerable, be a reliable and trustworthy person, be supportive, be the shoulder to cry on, be your authentic self… and still, they choose someone else over you, never turn to you, never get excited about you coming over, never keep up with your low moments, never desire to have a deep friendship with you. And again, not in any victimizing way, it just flat hurts.
And then again, I beg the question, “What in the world did I do? What is wrong with me? Maybe I’m too deep? Too shallow? Too much? Not enough?” I was being my authentic self though, so should it even matter?
No, Samara. It shouldn’t matter. The feeling does matter though, and it is important to recognize in yourself because it’s stemming from a place of insecurity that needs to be handed to God and healed. I’m still getting to a place where I am comfortable enough with myself and my faith in Christ to not let these lies from the enemy creep in. I’m human though, and I fail daily.
This morning I was reading in Job. He was a man in the Bible who had been greatly blessed, entrusted with much, and sought Christ daily. Satan came to God and God questioned if Satan had seen his servant Job. The enemy replied, mocking that Job feared God for nothing because everything in his life was just right. Satan said, “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herd spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”
Sure enough when Job was challenged he praised God, “Naked I have come from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”
This passage really messed with me. It revealed an icky and dark part of my heart that I did not want to see. My whole wellbeing was resting on whether or not these people deemed me worthy. And when they didn’t, everything in my world came crashing down around me. Why? Because my faith in God wasn’t strong. Job lived a life of authentic, raw, and strong faith and when everything fell out from beneath him, he was praising God because he knew those things and those relationships did not make him or break him.
How can we strengthen our faith this week? First sit down and just talk to God. Let him listen to your vulnerable thoughts and let him reveal to your parts of heart you didn’t know were there. Embrace the messiness, I guess! Second, put on your armor of God by letting him speak truth in to your life. Be reminded of your beauty, your uniqueness, your strengths, your passions, your aspirations, and the truth of your purpose as a child of the King. Face the obstacles around you with a new hope and curiosity!
You are never alone in the struggle for your thoughts. I could sit here and act like I’ve got all my ducks in a row, but SHOCKER, I do not. So together, let’s take one step and embrace who we are today, never questioning if anyone likes us enough or deems us worthy of their time, because girl, you were deemed worthy before you were ever born!!
I’m in this journey with you and company can make the trip that much easier, feel free to reach out with any questions or encouragement!